Growing up I was never the most religious person among my group of friends. Probably even the least. When ever a conversation came up with regards to the bible or famous stories or persons involved, I kindly turned the other way. I knew nothing of anything said, or could quote bible verses like the lot of them could. In all honesty I did feel ashamed, and always wanted to do something about it, but I never successfully put in the effort.
I shouldn’t say I was completely out of the loop, because I knew a couple scriptures like the ones they had us recite in school. Also, I attended confirmation class for a little while so i learned the names of the books, and a little bit from Genesis. Just to mention I never finished confirmation class, because our church kept switching pastors.Our high school also put on a program around Christmas to represent the birth of Jesus. Couple with the ten commandments, and the Noah built the ark story, I wasn’t that bad right?
My parents never forced us to do anything we didn’t want, they just weren’t the type even if that included going to church every Sunday. Now my only thing back in the day with going to church was the fact that I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON (Service started at 8:00 a.m.) I simply cannot wake up early in the morning, and feel happy/wonderful and ready to conquer the world like some people. So we were never stressed for it, and we only went on special occasions or at least every other week. Another thing was sitting on those hard benches for so long keeps you distracted from what was being said. Simply put it didn’t hold my interests, and the people seemed fake. You would see them in Church on Sunday acting one way, then another during the week in the village. But that really wasn’t my concern or place to judge.
Over time I began to realize that you didn’t need to go to church to understand God or live a christian lifestyle. It was then that I began thinking do i even believe in a God? At first I was very skeptical about it, and sometimes even revisit these thoughts. But if there’s a higher power, a god that so loves us why is there also so much evil in the world? Sickness, death, war I couldn’t understand it. Skip forward a bit to when I started studying environmental science and learning how the world was made from a big bang; learning about atoms and particles, and evolution it really makes you question everything. So I was confused for awhile, but I still never picked up a bible to finish reading that side of the story.
From since then over the years my new resolution has been to begin reading the bible daily. Sadly, that hasn’t gone as planned. The only progress I’ve made was downloading the bible app on my phone and following some of their bible plans. See the thing is I never knew if I was supposed to read it like an actually book or if there was specific way on how. The internet wasn’t really my friend either, because I got overwhelmed.
Now, throughout university and my struggle to remain positive they’ve been various suggestions about praying on it, talking to God etc. One time I would start out doing it, and sometimes maybe something good would happen other times maybe not. So I would start believing maybe it was just a coincidence. I’ve been to church in the U.S. a few times, and every time I went I felt like the pastor was specifically talking to me. There always seem to be something I was going through that led me to church then there he was talking about that same situation. It can’t only be a coincidence right?
I have a job interview on Friday, and I really want it to go well because it’s the premise on which my future lies on more or less. (Maybe a little exaggeration, but I still would like the job). So I’ve been praying since I got the phone call in hopes of getting the job, but I feel like that’s wrong. That I’m only praying because I want something, and in some sort of messed up way that it’s not going to happen as a result. I don’t know i’m very confused, but they’re other times in which I pray just to give thanks and to bless my friends and family, so it should be okay, right?
I have faith, then I don’t the I do. Everything is so confusing.